A friend gave me this book last Xmas and unlike novels, I can't seem to finish it at a go/quickly as there are so many important messages within it. If you have boys, this book is definitely worth a read!
I have been been highlighting and tagging noteworthy parts of this book for future reference. At times, it almost feels as though I am working on a research piece for work... However, I do feel that Dr James has described parenting to be a tall order and has valid suggestions on how to go about it. Anyway, since G only reads financial reports and not books, I have tried to quote/highlight some of the parts here to share (emphasis are determined by me):
- Our objective as moms and dads is to transform our sons from immature, flighty youngsters into honest, caring men who will be respectful of women, loyal and faithful in marriage, keepers of commitments, strong and decisive leaders, good workers, and men who are secure in their masculinity.
- (on 'identification' and 'modelling') Boys watch their dads intently, noting every minor detail of behaviour and values. Your sons will imitate much of what you do. If you blow up regularly and insult your wife, you boys will treat their mother and other females disrespectfully, If you drink to excess, your kids will be at risk for chemical substance abuse... Fortunately, the converse in also true. If you are honest, trustworthy, caring, loving and self-disciplined, your boys will be influenced by those traits as they age.
- Your task as a mother, in conjunction with your husband, is to build a man out of raw materials available in this delightful little boy. Never assume for a moment that you can "do your own thing" without serious consequences for him... this task must be your highest priority for a period of time... before you know it, that child at your feet will become a young man who will pack his bags and take his first halting steps into the adult world.
- (sharing of research findings by a longitudinal on Adolescent Health) The presence of parents is very beneficial at 4 times of the day - early morning, after school, dinner time, and bedtime. When that regular contact is combined with other shared activities between parents and kids, the most positive outcome is achieved - adolescents who felt a sense of connection with their parents (feelings of warmth, love and caring) were least likely to engage in harmful behaviour.
- (on bonding) Building relationships with children does not require large amounts of money. A lifelong bond often emerges from traditions that give meaning to family time together. Children love daily routines and activities of the simplest kind. They want to hear the same story or the same joke until Mom and Dad are ready to climb the wall. And yet, these interactions are sometimes more appreciated by kids than are expensive toys or special events
- (on grandparents' role) We smile benignly and think it's cute when we spoil our grandchildren. It is a big mistake. My job as a grandfather is to set an example for both the parents and the grandchildren by being a loving leader... I back-off whenever the parents are around, however, because I don't want to undermine their authority.
- (on discipline) Parents need to listen to the "music' of their children, especially during times of confrontation and correction. It takes a great deal of patience and sensitivity to discern how the child is responding. If you listen carefully, your boys will tell you what they're thinking and feeling... Boys need structure, they need supervision, and they need to be civilised. When raised in a laissez-faire environment that is devoid of leadership, they often begin to challenge social conventions and common sense.
- (on work) The word discipline connotes not only the shaping of a child's behaviour and attitudes but also giving him a measure of self-control and the ability to postpone graitification. Teaching a child to work is one of the primary mechanisms by which this self-discipline is acquired... Work gives significance and meaning to our existence. Those who are good at what they do usually feel good about who they are... Parents can teach their children about work when they are very young, such as by picking up their books or bringing the dinner plates to the kitchen. The amount of work required should be reasonable and age-appropriate, remembering that the primary activity of young children is play.
- (on boys in school and how the learning environment is inherently disadvantaging them) If you have one of those flighty kids, it is important to understand that they are not intrinsically inferior to their hardworking siblings... besides, the low achiever sometimes outperforms the young superstar in the long run. That's what happened to Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Eleanor Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, and many other successful people. So don't write off that disorganised and apparently lazy kid as a life-long loser. Getting mad at this youngster will not solve the problem... You should, on the other hand, stay as close as possible to this child's school. Your playboy isn't going to tell you what's going on in the classroom so you will need to find out for yourself... Finally, having done what you can to help, accept the best he can give. Go with the flow and begin searching for other areas of success.
